"What are the effects of an affair on children?"

by Jeffrey D. Murrah, LPC, LMFT

"What are the effects of an affair on children?" is a question that people often search for. Although the question looks for a simple answer, since affairs are not cut and dried situations, the answers are not cut and dried either. Since, the quality of the question determines the quality of the answer, there are some things to consider.
-What are the ages of the children? The age and maturity level will have some influence on how they react to an affair situation.
-Which children are you concerned with, those of the third party or of the adulterous spouse's family? Depending on the family value system and which family the children are a part of, their response to the affair will differ.
-How the spouses react to the affair is influenced by how the children respond. Since children often look to their parents for cues as to how they should respond, if you 'freak out', they will have problems adjusting. You can't loose it and expect your children to keep it together. If you take things in stride, the children will likely adjust to changes in a calm manner as well. The big exception to this is if the affair behavior is radically contrary to the values of the home.
-Children often react more to the issues and problems surrounding the affair. The lying, secrets, arguing and fighting are often more difficult for them to adjust to than the affair itself. When the parents fight, the security of their world is threatened. They need to have trustworthy and believable parents. When the parents do not display those qualities, problems result.
-The very act of an affair is an act of selfishness and little self-control. It sends a message of rejection to the children. Had the adulterer thought about the children and its potential effects, the affair would not likely have occurred. The children recognize this. They may express an acceptance of the situation, yet they often carry the scars of the rejection. They know that the adulterer was thinking about themselves ahead of them. They look at what the parents do, not so much what they say. The actions speak loudly concerning the self focus of those involved. An affair does not mean that those involved are bad parents, it does mean that there are some problems with selfishness and weak self-control that need attention.
-It is also important to consider what is the motivation behind the asking the question concerning "What are the effects of an affair on children?". The motive often says a great deal as well, whether from a spouse attempting to justify their actions, to those who are attempting to remove the adulterous spouse from access to the children. Children need both of their parents. They need to see healing. They need to see parents working things out and resolving their differences.
-If the affair develops into a pregnancy, the intensity of feelings are greater. In such cases, the new child may become an emotional lightning rod for both positive and negative feelings that exists within the family. Although the affair may fade away, the child will not.
These are just some of the many things to consider when looking at the effects of an affair on children. More specific questions like, "How will the affair effect the trust in the relationship between us?", "What can I do to help my child get through the affair?". "How long will it take before things are normal with the children after the affair?" can provide more meaningful answers that hurting parents are seeking. Some things remain clear even in the confusion surrounding an affair. Children need their parents. They need to be able to trust and believe what their parents tell them. They need you to be there as they begin dealing with such situations.


About the Author
Jeff Murrah is a mental health and substance abuse counselor in Pasadena with more than 25 years experience. Jeff taught psychology courses at San Jacinto College for six years. Visit his website at www.
restorethefamily.com or www.SurviveYourPartnersAffair.com